Relationship with your dog is not something that we think a lot about. They're humanity's best friend right? They love us, and we love them. They chose us, they want to be with us, and we brought them into our lives and homes. We don't need to work on our relationship, it's already as good as it gets. Right?
Not quite.
While it is true that you love your dog, and that your dog likely loves you too, that's not the end all be all of relationship and that doesn't mean that you don't have to put in some effort to create the best relationship possible with your dog. Think about the relationship you have with any human that you love. Did you decide you loved them and then consider that relationship done? Did you start coasting because you love them and they love you? If you have experienced something like that, likely your relationship started suffering. You may still have loved the person, but without effort to keep the relationship healthy, it stagnated and deteriorated. Relationships, between human and dog or human and human, need work and effort to remain healthy and strong. So how do you go about improving your relationship with your dog? The first step is understanding the nature of the human/dog relationship.
Understanding the Human/Dog Relationship
The first, most important thing to understand about the human/dog relationship is the idea that it is not and never can be a relationship of equals. Now this doesn't meant that I think dogs are an inferior species and don't deserve love and care, they obviously do. What I mean by this is ultimately, the human has more power in the relationship, and always will. The human decided to bring a dog into their life, they picked the dog and brought them home, they provide the care, pay for food and medical treatment, and toys. Obviously, dogs enrich our lives and provide a whole lot of benefits to those of us who have them in our homes, but that does not make us equal. Your dog can't decide to move out, opt not to come home with you when you went to pick them up for the first time. Your dog isn't going to pitch in for groceries, rent, or utilities. Your dog won't make your doctor's appointments, cook dinner, clean the house, or take part in the many chores that it takes to keep a home running smoothly. That is because they are not your equal, they are your pet. This means that the one responsible for building and maintaining the relationship is you.
I know what you're probably thinking, "I feed my dog, walk my dog, and take them to the vet. I even let them sleep on the bed, how is that not working on our relationship?" Well I have toilet you in on a little secret; meeting your pet's basic needs does not count as working on your relationship. As the human, you decided to bring a pet into your life and meeting their needs is a basic component of that. It may sound obvious, but after all my time in the pet industry, you would be shocked at the number of people who think that after paying the purchase price to the rescue, shelter, or breeder they should not have to spend another cent on their dog. It sounds rediculous right? But those people are out there. Meeting basic needs is just that, basic. And if that is all you want to do with your dog, then that is ok, but you can't expect your dog to have much interest in being with you or listening to what you have to say (see The Roommate below). Relationships human and human and human and canine alike, take work and effort to make them strong and keep them healthy. If you are not going to put that work in, then it is unfair to expect your dog to act like you do.
Evaluating Your Relationship
The first thing to keep in mind when trying to make a good relationship with your dog is that all dogs are individuals and because of that, there is nothing that will be fun and interesting to all dogs. There is no 100% foolproof way to build relationship that will work for every dog and human partnership. Knowing the breed or the mix of breeds can give you a good jumping off point to understanding your dog and what they need or want to have a fulfilling life. For example if your dog is a herding breed, they are likely going to have high energy and need an outlet for that energy. Even a smaller herding dog like a Pembroke Welsh Corgi, is likely going to want to stretch those tiny little legs daily, so walks or runs or high energy play is going to be a big relationship booster for most herding breeds. However, dogs who's sole purpose since their creation was to be a companion or lap dog (think your friendly neighborhood Chihuahua or Pug) will be far less interested in hiking for miles, and happy with a less active daily routine. Some dogs are cuddles, and some aren't. Some like playing training games seemingly nonstop, some can do a few repetitions and be done. Some like food puzzles, nose work, swimming, or sleeping, but it's no guarantee that your dog will like any or all of these things. What's the takeaway from this? The first step to getting a healthier, stronger, relationship with your dog is to actually take time to notice what sort of things makes your dog happy, and to know that those things may not be the things you want them to be, or the things you think they are.
A perfect example of how two dogs with two different needs is the story of Artemis and Barton, pictured here. Artemis (shepherd mix)
came from a rehoming situation, just before her first birthday. There's no tragic backstory here, just an empty nester acknowledging that she got a puppy impulsively, and wanting the dog to have a better life than she could provide. Artemis dog hates snuggling. Hates it. Sleeps on the bed, or sits on the couch an inch or two from the humans. She will occasionally lean over for a head scratch or a belly rub, when she wants one, and then will move away when she's done. Holding a dog like her on my lap, hugging her, moving closer when she sits down next to me, or trying to show her physical affection when she's not explicitly asking for it is not the way to improve my relationship with her. Then we have Barton. Barton (boxer) believed that any minute spent not touching a person was a minute wasted. He was always right on top of me when I was sitting down anywhere. For him, hugging, snuggling, patting, etc. were the perfect way to build our relationship. Both of these dogs lived in the same house with the same people, and had very similar daily lives, but that did not mean that they needed or wanted the same things. Understanding that your dog are going to differ from other dogs, even dogs they live with
The next step to improving your relationship is to evaluating your current relationship. Does your dog genuinely want to be around you? Do they chose you over the most of the world, even when you're out and about? If you call them when they're dead set on something fun (playing with another dog, following a scent, chasing a squirrel, etc.) will they turn and come back without hesitation? Would they even look your way? I will give you a hint, if you've never worked on your relationship, then it is highly unlikely that you can truthfully answer yes to all of these questions. And that's ok, most people with dogs will not be answering yes to all these questions, even after starting to work on relationship and putting time into training. It takes time and effort to create the sort of bond that will make all these things and more possible. Not being at that level yet does not make you a worse dog owner than anyone else, in fact, acknowledging that there is more you can be doing and setting out to improve is what makes you a better dog owner, and if you're here then chances are that you're committed to doing that.
What Sort of Relationship Do You Have?
There is no one "right" way to have a relationship with your dog. All dogs and all humans are unique individuals, which means that their relationships are also unique. That being said, there are some broad categories that I use to describe relationships that make it easier to understand where you are, and where you're trying to get to with your dog.
The Leader
The Leader wants to be the "Leader of the Pack". They believe themselves to be in charge and the dog to be secondary. They want their cues or commands to be followed without hesitation. Typically this type of relationship is found in serious dog people. They train regularly, and they enjoy it. They have a goal, like work or sport, that they are working toward, and they need a dog who will reliably listen to their cues, and are ready and able to do their part to make that happen.
When it is effective: The Leader works best when the person knows a great deal about
their own dog, and dogs in general. They have a good grasp of dog body language,
and they are able to ready their dog easily. Because of this, they can avoid situations
that make their dog overly uncomfortable, and do not ask too much of their dog.This
level of understanding builds trust, and allows them to be the sort of leader that the
dog wants to follow. They also spend an incredible amount of time and effort training
behaviors, and proofing them (trying them in different situations and environments) to
set the dog up for success. They expect their dog to listen when they ask them to do
something because they understand their dog's limits and do not ask too much.
When it is ineffective: The Leader can start to see some issues when they are unable to
read their dog well, or when they do not care about that as much as they care about
their dog "obeying commands". This inevitably leads to the human asking too much of
the dog, or putting the dog in uncomfortable situations. This degrades trust and
relationship, and makes the dog question wether or not they should listen to their
human, even when they know what is being asked. An ineffective leader may also not
spend the time needed to actually teach their dogs how to correctly respond to cues,
and they do not proof behaviors. They do not know or understand their dog's limits,
and as such will ask the dog for things the dog is unwilling or unable to to do.
The Partner
The Partner sees their dog as more of an equal than the Leader does. They see the dog as their teammate, and use that mentality to work with the dog to teach him or her how to respond correctly in situations. They are quick to check out the environment for causes if the dog does not respond to a cue, and to assume that something they asked was too much, and ask for something easier. This type of relationship can achieve just about anything, from dog sports to hiking to therapy work.
When it is effective: Most effective when the human has specific goals in mind, and
knows how they want to reach them. They can teach the dog quickly and efficiently how
to do the things they need, and slowly make progress to their goals.
When it is ineffective: The Partner is ineffective when there is nothing to work toward.
Wanting your dog to be your partner, but not taking responsibility for how that
partnership will be shaped, and what your partnerhsip will do is incredibly similar to
being a Roommate.
The Friend
The Friend likely has very few training goals. They do not enjoy training much, and do not have long term training goals. Instead they spend their time on walks or hikes, or at the park. They frequent dog friendly businesses together, and spend lots of time hanging out at home, enjoying each other's company.
When it is effective: This is a perfect relationship for the majority of dog owners out
there. Dogs who don't need a ton of mental or physical outlets every day are more than
happy to be in this sort of relationship. When the human understands exactly what the
dog needs to know to be successful in this life (things like settling down in public, not
pulling on leash, coming when called, etc.) and teaches the dog those things, that is is;
their training is done and it is just about maintaining the skills after that.
When it is ineffective: The Friend only starts to run into trouble when they do not take
the time to notice what it is their dog needs to know to be successful in their life, and
do not teach them the skills. For example, most dogs who are going to spend time in
public with their people need to learn to walk nicely on a leash, so the dog will need to
be taught exactly what is and is not allowed on leash. If the human skips that part and
just expects the dog to know how to walk nicely, we will start to get into trouble.
The Roommate
The Roommate assumes very little responsibility for the dog, beyond basic needs. They think that dogs should be dogs and their go to for any conflict that might arise, from pulling on leash to dog aggression or reactivity is "they can figure it out". They tend to consider meeting basic needs the be all that is required of dog ownership and do not understand or care to advance beyond that. They typically have other people take over the aspects of dog partnership that would help build their relationship, like exercising, training, socialization, and enrichment.
When it is effective: It is rare for this style of partnership to lead to a dog and human
pair who work well together, but it can happen. If a dog requires very little in the way of
enrichment, exercise, and training, and the human has very few expecations of the dog,
then this can be a comfortable partnership for both of them. I low energy, low drive,
smaller dog would be ideal if this is the sort of relationship you are looking to have.
When it is ineffective: This sort of relationship is almost always ineffective, because the
human almost always wants more out of their dog than they are willing to put in. They
provide basic needs, and expect the dog to give them the world. The dog inevitably
fails to do that, either from a lack of understanding, a lack of desire, a lack of trust, etc.,
and the human gets frustrated with the dog.
Bottom line, there is no one way to be a good dog owner, and there is no one way to have a relationship. The danger, at all levels, comes in when people do not take the responsibility to make sure their dog understands them, and trusts them. If your dog does understand you, then they can not respond correctly to your cues. If your dog does not trust you, then they may choose not to respond to your cues. So take a look at your relationship with your dog, and see if it matches any of the types listed here. See what type you'd like it to be. It is never too late to start working toward a stronger, healthier relationship.
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